Hi everyone! If I'm completely honest, I don't know really where I'm going with this post, I think that it's just going to be one of those where I spill my thoughts and see where it gets me. I apologise if this isn't the happiest post in the world, but this blog has always been somewhere for me to be completely truthful and to be me, as I hope you all feel like you have the ability to do here. Plus, what better way to share my private thoughts than by broadcasting them on the internet?
I think that recently, I have just been finding things a little tough. For the past two months, I have been up and down a huge amount, and you may have noticed that I haven't been the most consistent writer. I always say that you have to be in the right mood in order to write, otherwise the whole thing just won't work. Recently, I just haven't been in the right mood at all really.
Things seem to have come around so fast and I'm finding it difficult to keep up with everything at the moment. What's worse, for me, is that no one else appears to be struggling particularly, and I always find things even harder when I feel like I'm on my own going through them.
I've had to think a lot about my future which incorporates some pretty big changes for me in the next few years, the thought of which terrifies me more than I'm able to explain. I'm a proper homing pigeon - I like to be safe and sound where I know and with who I know. Anything that changes that is very difficult for me to consider.
I guess these thoughts have been the basis of quite a lot. Because of all this, I have started to argue with my parents a lot more, something which is very new to me. I am very much the type of person who will shy away from confrontation and I don't enjoy arguments with anyone, especially my parents whom I have always got on with very well. Yes, I'm just a typical teenager, but I don't want to be and I don't enjoy it. It has been making home life quite difficult, despite my parents being lovely and amazing people who only want the best for me.
And then there's school, with everything ramping and gearing up as this year is one of the most important in our schooling careers. And I... I just have no motivation for anything at all. I have this really weird brain process, and I don't really know how to describe it, but I think that it is partially why I am finding things hard:
Every since I was little, I have loved Hermione Granger. I love her enthusiasm and passion and most of all, her intelligence. I also love how she does work for it, as I am a great believer in working for everything that you get. I have always wanted to be like this, I have always wanted to be hard working and intelligent, and just a bit of a teachers pet. So whenever I get told about a piece of work that I need to do, inside my head, I am getting excited. I love the idea of working hard and creating something great and achieving something amazing. I want to be that person who's work is always exceptional ect ect. That is my idealism, me living as some kind of Hermione Granger figure. But then it comes to actually doing the work, and I can't do it. I don't have the motivation, the passion, the drive, the determination or anything. And I don't want to spend my evening doing the work.
But then afterwards, when it comes to handing in my mediocre piece of homework or my incredibly average piece of artwork, I get so angry and upset with myself. Angry because I couldn't make myself do it, because I didn't have that determination, and upset because I feel like I've failed myself. And every single time, I promise myself that I won't let it happen again, that I'll work harder and longer next time. And I can't do it.
I'm trapped in this cycle of high expectations and failing to achieve them and it sucks, it really does, because at the end of it all, all I am left with is self hate and embarrassment. Recently, it has just been so hard to fight this cycle, and then I just end up thinking: what's the point?
Even right as this very moment, I have a mountain of art coursework to do and I'm sitting here writing a post because I don't want to do it, despite promising myself that I'd be all up to date with an exceptional standard of work by tomorrow.
All I seem to want to do is read my book and daydream at the moment, but whenever I do, I can't enjoy myself because I feel guilty that I'm not doing something else. Even when I set aside an amount of time specifically to do some work, like when I go into the art department at lunch, I can't focus, I can't concentrate and I can't do anything.
I don't know what the point of this post is. Maybe it is just a distraction, a procrastination. Maybe it's a way for me to help me to feel worse about myself. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and I need to get off my bum and do something. Or maybe I am just trying to understand why I'm not very happy at the moment. I want to be happy, I really do, I just don't know how, and I would really appreciate it if any of you could share any tips or advice if you've ever gone through anything similar.
So, yeah, that's me. But I'll tell you something, when I went away to Amsterdam, for four days I stopped worrying about absolutely everything besides what flavour of ice cream I'm going to have for pudding. And it was amazing. I want to be like that all the time.
Anyway, I will be happier next time, I promise!
See you soon!
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